The Christmas Special

DEAR SANTA,

DEFINE NAUGHTY…

 
 
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SANTA SAID IF I WAS A GOOD GIRL, I WOULD GET EVERYTHING I WANTED

 
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SANTA IS THE PRINCE OF LIES

 
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DEAR SANTA,

 

… DEFINE NAUGHTY.

CAN WE LOWER THE BAR?
I HAVE NOT BEEN EVIL.

I’M NOT NICE. NICE IS FOOLISH. NICE IS DISHONEST.
I’M HONEST.
I’M KIND.

I TRY TO BE KIND.

I DO WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT, AND THE WRONG THINGS I DO, WELL…
YOU NEED TO ADMIT TO YOURSELF THERE ARE GREY AREAS.
YOUR BINARY SORTING IS ANTIQUATED.

LOOK, IT WAS A COMPLICATED OPEN MARRIAGE WHEN WE MET AND THEN HE LIED TO ME
ABOUT THE CONTINUATION OF THE OPEN PART.
I DID NOT INTEND TO HAVE AN AFFAIR ON AND OFF FOR OVER TWO YEARS.
I COULD HAVE CONFRONTED HIM SOONER WITH MY SUSPICIONS.
I COULD HAVE ENDED IT WHEN HE TOLD THE TRUTH, IT’S JUST…
I DIDN’T WANT TO.
I LOVED HIM
AND HE BROKE MY HEART EVERY OTHER DAY UNTIL THE DAY I REALIZED I HAD BECOME ANOTHER CLICHÉ, AND
I’M SO MANY ALREADY.
I BLOCKED HIS TEXTS WITHOUT WARNING. I BLOCKED HIM AND HE STILL HAS MY DVD’S.
I MAY NEVER GET VERONICA MARS AND THE TEN SEASON BOX SET OF HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET BACK.

ISN’T THIS PUNISHMENT ENOUGH!
WHY DO I MAKE THIS MISTAKE WITH LOVE OVER AND OVER?
I ONLY JUST GOT THOSE BACK.

I THOUGHT HE WAS GOOD, KIND, AND WORTH COMPROMISING MY MORALS FOR,
BUT I’M NOT SO SURE ANYMORE.
COULD YOU CHECK THAT LIST?
I’LL WAIT.

I BELIEVED IN HIS GOODNESS, MAYBE BASED ON SOME ARCHETYPE
I PUT FAITH OVER SCIENCE.
THIS WAS A MISTAKE. HE WOULD AGREE.

DEAR SANTA,
I MISS HIM. I’M AN IDIOT.
THE LONG LIST OF REASONS TO RUN FROM HIM eroded THE MOTIVATION TO KEEP LYING TO MYSELF
and still i feel guilty, and wish i could see him
I WOULD ASK YOU TO MAKE HIM LOVE ME THE WAY I WANT
AND NOT THE WAY HE SAYS IT
BUT I’M IN NO POSITION TO MAKE DEMANDS
AND I AM NOT ALLOWED EXPECTATIONS.

SANTA
I DID NOT GO HOME TO MY FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS.
I STAYED IN THIS HOME, MY HOME AND I DID EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I WANTED.
I LISTENED TO MY FAVOURITE SONGS.
I DRANK WINE IN THE AFTERNOON AND ATE CHEESE IN THE BATH WHILE WATCHING CARTOONS.
I LEFT MY MOTHER IN THE NURSING HOME BECAUSE I SAID GOODBYE TO HER LAST CHRISTMAS, WHEN SHE WAS scheduled TO DIE.

I SPENT ALL MY MONEY AND THEN SOME CONSOLING HER AND MYSELF
BECAUSE I COULDN’T LET HER LAST EXPERIENCES BE OF
THAT PLACE, ALONE
I COULDN’T RECONCILE MOURNING SO DEEPLY SOMEONE WHO HURT ME SO BADLY.
I WANTED TO BE A DAUGHTER SHE COULD LOVE— SHE DOESN’T AND IT JUST MAKES ME WORK HARDER.
WHEN SHE POSTPONED, I TRIED TO GIVE HER THE BEST LAST CHRISTMAS.

AFTER TOO MANY POSTPONEMENTS, IT WASN’T THE LAST,
IT WAS THE ONLY ONE I HAD LEFT TO GIVE.

THIS CHRISTMAS WAS MY CHRISTMAS.

I’M SELFISH, SANTA.

I DON’T DESERVE PRESENTS OR BATH-CHEESE.
I USED TO BE GOOD.
I USED TO BE NICE.


I USED TO THINK IT MEANT SOMETHING
GOODNESS
IN THE END
YOUR EMPTY PROMISES HAVE TAUGHT ME
IT’S EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES.

 
 
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